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Jay’s Christmas 2005 World Tour

Add comment December 25th, 2005

Wednesday, 12/21

5 AM - Get about an hour of sleep before leaving for LAX at 5AM to beat the morning rat race to catch 8AM flight to Tampa.

5:10 AM - Oddly enough, there is no LA rat race. Arrive at airport.

7:10 AM – In the words of Woe Walsh: “I’ve got a mansion / Forget the price / I’ve never been there / They tell me it’s nice” – I call my realtor and ask where my house is in Tampa.

8:01 AM – Depart and take Xanax.

11:02 AM – Wonder why sleep hasn’t come.

11:03 AM – (Fast forward 3 hours to EST)

4:19 PM – Shaken awake by flight crew in Tampa asking if I was continuing on the flight to Pittsburg.

4:50 PM – Picked up at airport by nubile 20 year old blonde that will soon be my housemate.

5:12 PM – We see house for first time – very impressive.

5:13 PM - Panties moisten.

5:35 PM – Dinner at Tampa’s finest restaurant: Applebee’s.

5:37 PM – Start drinking.

7:21 PM – Bring a new meaning to drinking and driving by barreling down the highway to DJ Airek’s (Eric) house, cutting up limes, and slamming Patron straight out of the bottle.

8:01 PM – 9:45 PM – Drink heavily at Eric’s house.

Editor’s Note: Eric is the manager of the unnecessarily controversial Sleep Assault porn site. A lot of people claimed it depicts rape (which it doesn’t) – I don’t like the word rape anyways…I prefer “surprise sex”.

10:01 PM – Go to Exterme John’s house (also a fine pornographer) and continue binge drinking.

11:12 PM – Go to some horrible titty bar. Between 5 strippers, we are talking about 9 teeth total.

11:13 PM - Start pounding Jaugerbombs hoping it will improve the view.

11:35 PM – No Luck.

11:45 PM – Leave.

12:03 PM – Arrive at some other horrible titty bar - 3 strippers / 5 teeth.

12:13 AM - Pound way more Jaugerbombs hoping for impovement.

1:35 AM – Still no Luck.

1:49 AM – Last call.

2:03 AM – Back to Eric’s house.

2:05 AM – Total vouge off:

4:31 AM – Blackout.

5-ish AM – Passout.

Thursday, 12/22

11:57 AM – Wake up amazed at lack of hangover. Girl / ride is gone.

12:12 PM – Drink vitamin filled smoothie.

12:35 PM – Hangover kicks in.

12:26PM – 5:01 PM – Total hangover.

6:01 PM – Realizing I should have rented a car, we catch a $50 cab ride to another fine, upstanding pornographer: Roger V’s House (the guy from Dirty Rotten Filthy Whores).

6:02 – 8:34 PM – Give up on fighting hangover. Start drinking.

8:35 PM – 10:35 - Dinner and more drinks.

11:01 PM – Check out the world famous whorefest: Roundoff Ladies Night.

11:02 PM – Watch in amazement a crowd of hundreds linedance to 50Cent.

11:03 – 12:51 AM – Binge drink and gawk at all of the hot puss in attendance.

12:52 AM – Realize the.best pickup line in the world is “Have I seen you on Myspace?”

12:53 – 3:10 AM - Try this line (with varying degrees of success) on chicks in crowd.

3:15 AM – Back to Rogers house.

3:16 AM — Total vouge off:

4:31 AM – Blackout.

5-ish AM – Passout.

Saturday, 12/24 (Christmas Eve)

8AM – Wake up to catch a flight to visit family for Christmas in Exeter, Rhode Island.

11:01 - Depart and take Xanax.

2:32 AM – Wonder why sleep hasn’t come again.

4:19 PM – Shaken awake by flight crew in Providence asking if I was continuing the flight to Pittsburg.

4:50 PM – 11PM Hang out with parents, choke down 4 martinis at dinner, pass out.

Saturday, 12/24

8:05 AM – 7:15PM Spend most of the day trying to euphemistically explain to parents what I do for a living.

7:30 PM – Go with parents to see “King Kong”. For some reason all three of us get the senior citizen discount.

10:50 pm – Realize after 3 hours that “King Kong” should have been named “King Long”

11PM – 12:30AM – Hang out with brother, choke down xanax bar, pass out.

Sunday, 12/25 (Christmas)

8:13 AM – 6PM – Wake up, exchange gifts, euphemistically explain to extended family what I do for a living – total boredom.

6:01 PM - Confirm that I hate kids, even if they are related to me.

8:30 PM – Consider going to the Indian Casino but freezing rain fucks up everything.

8:31 PM – 11PM – Try to learn to play Suduko. Dimensions of game frazzle peanut sized brain.

11:15PM - Write this blog.

Tomorrow, it’s on to my old stomping grounds of Atlanta for more adventures.

Stay tuned.

Back To Reality – Well, sort of

Add comment December 18th, 2005

Yesterday, I returned from my week long whorefest in Manila. Highlights include: Threesomes, foursomes, and whatever you call it when you are the only guy fucking five chicks, actually watching whores go to church, and witnessing what I call the “Burgos Information Network” at work:

If it was up to me, I would fire the FBI, the CIA, and the entire Department of Homeland Security and replace them with Duckboy (a deformed midget that wanders the whore district), the chicks that sell gum in Burgos, and (of course) the go-go girls of the district itself. This would be the new BIN and would be entrusted with protecting our country. With the BIN: no plot could be hatched unnoticed, no barfine would go unreported, and all of your whereabouts would be tracked 24/7. Let me tell you folks, these people are good! There is no need to complex satellites, drone spy planes, or high-tech hackers. Duckboy, the Go-GO girls, the gum sellers, and some pre-paid cell phones with text messaging is all we will ever need. We’d have Osama in Club Fed by now, trust me on this.

Long live the BIN!

Upon return, I met with my business partner (the famed creator of Rectal Rooter), we met for a quick gut filling feast of meaty goodness at Fogo De Chao, and then I returned the hacienda do get caught up on a weeks worth of missed Daily Show, Frontline, and Ali G – before lapsing into a 20-hour coma…only to be awoken by my neighbor offering me to come and hit the foil with him…ah, home sweet home!

Which leads me to where I am now…trying to drown the jones away with beer, weed, Xanax (yes, we’ve exhausted all of our dealers numbers), and pecking at this keyboard. This gives me time to look back on the past week in the Philippines, from what I’ve heard, it’s a beautiful place — problem is I never made it outside the Burgos District and the Shang Gri La — but from what I’ve found there are only two things on this island:

Go whoring or scuba diving.

I don’t scuba dive.