Jay Commiserates Florida

Suicide – One Show At A Time: Being one of the “bigger webmasters” like being a rockstar or a drug dealer – except you don’t have to actually play music or sell drugs to get mashed up in exotic locals. Rather than bore you guys with another 1500 word dissertation on the events of this past week’s Internext Convention in Florida, let me tell you it went something like this:

1. Wake up around 2PM.
2. Imbibe obligatory Bloody Mary.
3. Switch to beer and Jaegermeister.
Threat leve of gums = “fine shade of cobalt blue”

4. Attend some kind of dinner function (keep drinking).
5. Rock a party at some club (drink harder).
Gums = ” fine shade of cobalt blue”

6. Do drugs in some suite till 8 in the morning at somebody’s suite.
Gum threat = ” fine eperveacent shade of bright magenta”

7. Mash up or softserve some random slut.

8. Repeat x number of days.

To attone for last years sins, I was forced to sit in
the segregated section at the pool.Although, I can’t say that I hot any of the lows that I did at last summers show (standing blacked-out in the pool throwing watermelons at black people)….there are a few highlights I can recall:

- A tender re-union with the slut sisters.
- Snorting a bunch of what I thought was cocaine (but was actually E), it falling out of my nose, and having someone else eat it.
- I’m not proud of this: Fucking a FAT / big-tittied slut in the pool. Fuck it. It was 5AM, drunk, horny, and vulnerable, though not the pinnacle of my sexual career.

To add insult to injury: The next day, I had to rent a car and drive up to Tampa because some asshole kid tore up my lawn of one of my rental properties in Tampa with an ATV. Yeah, that shit does piss me off, but I was that kid doing doughnuts on people lawns once upon a time.

Karma is a bitch.

It was as close as I’ve ever come to falling asleep at the wheel. When I finally rolled into Tampa. The hotel I was staying at was directly across the street from two titty bars. Decent titty bars don’t exist in LA (though they totally should!). There would be no rest for the wicked that night: Attendance was compulsory.
I closed down both of them by 3AM.

The next day, I handled my domestic responsibilities and hooked up with Extreme John (esteemed pornographer, very cool / generous guy and Florida ’s new suntan king), Joey (Callkelly.com / Maturepost.com), and got a giant hummer limo and hit a few titty bars and rocked the Crystal.

Now, as I write this from the plane on it’s way back to Los Angeles….I feel like a can of smashed assholes.

Maybe, I should take a little downtime and sober up some. According to Fubarwebmasers, I should have about a week before the next show.

There no business like Ho Business.

I guess.