It’s a fucking BLOG!!
OK?
First, I don’t mention anyone BY NAME unless you ask me to. Second, I gladly omit anything that anyone would like to see here. Third, I do exercise a modicum of common sense when I’m composing this digital drivel. Fourth, if it wasn’t for all the controversy surrounding me and this stupid blog:
I wouldn’t even know so many people were reading the damn thing!!!
So, rather than place anyone in the path of oncoming slander, I have decided to do this blog about my nine-day excursion to Amsterdam completely gonzo…meaning, some of these things I actually did, some are complete nonsense. It gives (what my lawyers call) is “plausible deniability”.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the list:
- I MIGHT HAVE not even gone to Europe at all and sat in my house on a nine day crack binge which culminated in me smoking cat litter off the floor.
- I MIGHT HAVE spend 15 minutes arguing with a fish tank in a whorehouse.
- The fish MIGHT HAVE won.
- I MIGHT HAVE stayed at Mikes Apartment.
- I MIGHT HAVE phoned in terror threat in Prague.
- I completely deny #5.
- No, seriously, I was just joking.
- I MIGHT HAVE threatened send anthrax spores the IAU’s General Assembly scientists in Prague that declassified Pluto as a planet. (see #7)
- I MAY HAVE made sweet love to a psychedelic cow (unfortunately for the cow, there are pictures somewhere).
- I MAY HAVE been involved in a strip dance-off in a whorehouse right in front of (and to the shock and horror of) the Diplomatic Delegation from Korea.
- I MAY HAVE spent more money or re-arranging my travel plans than actually spent traveling.
- I MAY have accidentally discovered that K5Relax is the greatest place on Earth.
- I MAY HAVE spent my entire time in Prague with good Christian Youth Groups and thinking pure thoughts.
- I MIGHT HAVE started a new band (can’t remember the name) with our new hit song “Let’s Get Some Escorts (Escort 911)”.
- I MAY HAVE fallen asleep passed out on an airport bench on a pillow made of Harbio Gummy Bears and missed my flight.
- I MADE some Emo kid cry. (not tough to do)
- Mike in Brazil MIGHT BE Joe Peshi sidelining in porn.
- I MIGHT HAVE attended a Chetch skinhead / ska concert with the new champion of jizz lobbing (Anspermo).
- I MAY HAVE vomited my breakfast into a toilet and Prague and went directly out on a 12 hour drinking binge.
- I MIGHT HAVE missed or rebooked more flights than I actually caught.
- I MIGHT HAVE spent a whole day in Amsterdam gobbling Xanax after Xanax and praying for death because of a serious eye infection
- Mike in Brazil MAY BE the tooth fairy.
- I UNDOUBTEDLY drank “drinkinghard” (hardly drinking?) under the table.
- I MAY HAVE twice seduced a very sexy Euro girl into some delightful infidelities.
- I MAY HAVE gone voluntarily abstinent just like Paris Hilton.
- Pluto MAY spin out of orbit and come crashing through your living room roof.as you read this.
- Europe has the most horrible cocaine in the word and it may have caused number 21.
- I MAY HAVE had a bag of number 27 confiscated from my pocket at some stupid disco in Amsterdam and put into the “Drug” mailbox looking thing (have fun guys – see #21).
- I may have (very expensively), in a drunken 6AM stupor, booked some non-refundable tickets from Prague to LAX backwards and for the wrong month. (Does anyone want to visit Prague in October?)
- MAYBE it is not the best idea to sport t-shirts with pictures of Carl Marx in formerly occupied Soviet territories. The irony gets lost somehow.
- I MAY have made a public promise to stay sober (sans pot and xanax) for at least 7 calendar days.
- I will fail.
I hope that all gave you a giggle! You favorite pill popping, whore-mongering, alcoholic, globe-trotting, (yet honest), Playboy dude.
Jay